Only upon the rarest of occurrences are we afforded the opportunity to indulge in a tale of everlasting love. We at Ragdoll Farcists were privileged enough to partake in such an affair last week when we sat down with Billy Lee (Double Dragon) and Rash (Battletoads) to listen to them explain the events that ultimately led to their unyielding relationship.

Billy Rash Dude Love

Rash: For me, my attachment began after viewing a news feed Zits, Pimple, and I had intercepted from Earth. We were on our way to the planet Ragnarok to search for Princess Angelica when I first saw Billy on one of our spaceship’s monitors. I looked to the screen and there he was, beating on some goons in an alleyway. I could tell by the way he fought—manhandling those criminals by a tuft of their hair, yanking their head down near his crotch before kneeing their faces into piles of mush—that it was my destiny to find out what he had hiding beneath those tight pants of his.

Billy: And you found out, all right—the hard way.

Rash: Oh stop, Bill. You jest, of course. But yes, I did have my work cut out for me. You see, at this point Billy wasn’t aware just how interested he was in intelligent, man-sized, crime-fighting amphibians.

Billy: I sure wasn’t. Though I had seen an episode or two of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I can’t say I’d ever considered bonin’ any of ’em. [laughs]

Rash: [rolls eyes] Those are reptiles, Billy; not amphibians. Believe it or not, there’s a difference.

Billy: Don’t you correct me! You remember what happened last time you corrected me, don’tcha?

Rash: [slinks back in chair] Oh…of course, Bill. I remember, of course. I won’t do it again. I promise.

Billy: See to it you don’t. So anyway, there I was just like Rash said, whoopin’ ass and takin’ names out there on those streets with my brother, Jimmy, lookin’ for a little lady named Marian. We found her in the end…but that’s when Jim decided that only one of us could walk away with Marian. I didn’t want to fight him, but…but the son of a bitch wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Rash: [leans over to comfort Billy] Stop, Bill. You don’t have to do this.

Billy: Get off me, amphibian! [pulls away] This is something that’s been buried inside for far too long. About time I take the baggage out of the closet.

Rash: No, Bill, the saying goes—oh, never mind. Go ahead, hon.

Billy: I fought my brother right there in the main hall of the Black Shadow Warriors’ fortress…and I killed him. I killed my brother dead because the crazy bastard wouldn’t stop. It was him or me, I swear it. [cries]

Rash: [attempts to comfort Billy]

Billy: I said don’t you touch me! I’m in control here. I don’t need your webbed mitts all over me while I’m actin’ half a man. …After I finished Jimmy…swung the top of that steel baseball bat through what was left of his skull…it was then I knew I’d never love again. At least not your typical human woman. That I was sure of. When Rash came to me years later with news that the Black Shadow Warriors had allied with the Dark Queen and asked for my help, I saw it as a chance for revenge. I was going to murder every one of those scumbags in honor of Jimmy.

Billy Rash DreamRash: Yes, that’s how we initially met. I must say that the first few days of fighting alongside Billy were incredibly tough for me. At night I dreamt of Billy battling in that alleyway where I’d originally realized his existence. And I was there too, with him, only I couldn’t aid him in his fight because I was so enthralled with watching him as he pulled those other men’s faces so near to his midsection by locks of their hair. And in a way it made me sad. Sad because I didn’t have hair. And I never would. And so at night I would lie there and sulk, hairless. I would lie there and sulk as Billy slept just a few feet from me, naked underneath all those clothes he was wearing. It was unbearable. I was certain though, much like trying to capture that elusive fly, that if I was patient, I’d get what I wanted.

Billy: I’ll tell you what: space is a lonely place. Especially when you’re trapped up there with nobody but a few overgrown frogs to talk to. It’s enough to make you question some things about yourself that you’d never thought were even in question. I was takin’ a likin’ towards ol’ Rash here. We’d been watchin’ each other’s backs for weeks. I’d save his life; he’d save mine. It only takes a few moments like that before you finally give in and let nature run its course.

Rash: That special night lingers within me as if it were only yesterday. We copulated in what would quickly become our favorite sexual position—froggy style.

Billy: Yes, froggy style. I also recall the date as if it were the back of my hand.

Rash: Oh, no, dear. It’s “I know it like the back of my hand.” Not—

Billy: What the hell did I tell you, Rash? I don’t want you goin’ around fixin’ everything I say with your fancy education-speak. And why are you wearing those sunglasses? Always with the glasses. Get those glasses off. Ain’t there nobody who wants to see a man wear sunglasses indoors.

Rash: No…Bill. My eyes, remember? They’re fragile to the light.

Billy: Got fragile eyes you say? I ain’t never heard you say anything of the such. Gimme those.

Rash: Billy, no.

Billy: [reaches to Rash and pulls the sunglasses from his face, revealing a bruised left eye] Oh…that. Well you see, we…what happened was…

Rash: I fell…I just fell is all.

Billy: Yeah. We were jumped by a gang of Psyko Pigs on the way here, and Rash…well, he just fell. Right on the sidewalk. Gave’m a big ol’ shiner. [nervously chuckles] Forgot all about it. But we’re fine now, ain’t we, Rash?

Rash: Yes…sure. Everything’s fine…

END

Billy Slowmeat

Billy Slowmeat

Billy is the video game journalist of our generation. For Billy, there is no lead too tough to follow…no story too daunting to expose. Billy lives to do one thing: report. Hell, the son of a bitch gets off on it.
Billy Slowmeat