[This article has been pulled from the Ragdoll Farcists depository and given new life.]

Keeping with the recent announcement of its new governmental gaming lineup, Nintendo has teased a second game in development for the political gamer. The title is Politico Kart, and it will feature both politicians and pundits involved with the upcoming United States presidential race.

Politico Kart appears to be a spin-off of Nintendo’s beloved Mario Kart series, and is expected to be one of the last Nintendo-developed titles for the Wii before the company begins focusing exclusively on the Wii U. While little is known about the game so far, Nintendo was kind enough to feed us a few informative morsels on some of the characters and gameplay elements.

cain coulter
“I’m just happy to be racing beside one of our blacks.” – Ann Coulter

Players will be able to take control of their favorite names in politics. From Nancy Pelosi, to the liberal-despising Ann Coulter, to the religious antagonist Bill Maher. There is already speculation abound on possible racers that have yet to be announced. Rumors of unlockable characters such as Stephen Colbert, Glenn Beck, and perhaps even Jesus Christ—the Lord and Savior undoubtedly a top pick for the more conservative GOP players—have been popping up around the web.

Rick Perry Trick
“Nope. Can’t see none of that global warming stuff from up here.” – Rick Perry

What we know for sure is that you’ll be able to play as Michele Bachmann, whose special ability consists of launching HPV vaccines. If injected, a player’s kart will run at half speed while all the vehicle’s controls become inverted. Rick Perry’s kart will have less-than-average handling, however will be more difficult to knock around on the track. His unique ability destroys the environment around other racers, causing rifts to form on the road along with puddles of acid rain players will have to avoid. Herman Cain will have a natural talent to forcibly manhandle the female racers, while his special skill (called the Slapdash) will install three large metallic 9s on the front and sides of his kart, allowing him to shove his flimsy tax plan down everybody’s throat. Newt Gingrich should really excel in Team Race mode, where after swearing to a lifetime commitment with his teammate under the eyes of God, he will be allowed to bail and switch parties should any of his partners hold him back when they’re diagnosed with a terminal bout of cancer.

All in all it sounds like Nintendo has another hit on its hands. I’m personally hoping Anthony Weiner makes a surprise showing. It’d be great to see that boner back in the political race one last time.

maher christ kart
“Sorry, Bill, but Dad says we gotta send you to hell.” – Jesus Christ
Billy Slowmeat

Billy Slowmeat

Billy is the video game journalist of our generation. For Billy, there is no lead too tough to follow…no story too daunting to expose. Billy lives to do one thing: report. Hell, the son of a bitch gets off on it.
Billy Slowmeat