According to a recent article on Kotaku, the ultimate geeky-girls-only cafe has opened in Osaka, Japan. Ataraxia Cafe serves “coffee, tea, and tasty sweets as well as alcohol,” and has work spaces and lounge areas for customers to enjoy stuff like manga, anime, video games, and cosplay. Word of Ataraxia Cafe spread quickly on the Internet, influencing similar establishments opening worldwide.

Nerdette opened recently in Los Angeles, offering clothing and apparel in addition to a space to enjoy comics, video games, espresso, and craft beer. Otaka in Portland isn’t members-only like Ataraxia, but it is a place for female otaku enthusiasts to hang out.

Kimberly Slipiznes was tired of men invading her hobby space, so once she read about Ataraxia she decided to open Trou Rose in her hometown of Indiana, Pennsylvania. Trou Rose offers members thirty-five and older a space to enjoy their hobbies, including cosmetology, smelling candles, macrame, doodling idly on shopping lists while talking on the phone, ordering charm bracelets online, trying on clothes their niece would wear, comparing placebo weight-loss supplements, and karaoke. Customers can order sweets like chocolate and fudge, flavored coffee and espresso beverages, Seagram’s Escapes, and anything that can be made with Malibu coconut rum.

If you’re a dude reading this, you’re probably thinking, “Well, where can I go just to hang out with the guys and enjoy my hobbies?” Joey McDermott has the answer you’re looking for. At only ten years of age, Joey has opened Fort Awesome, located right in his parents’ backyard. The half-painted tree house his dad built two summers ago proudly boasts “NO GIRLS ALOUD” on the building’s face, and if any girl (like Joey’s stupid older sister, Kelly) decides to ignore the warning and tries to enter, she will be fired upon by the Nerf turret mounted to the establishment’s only window. I was able to get in touch with Joey by phone to discuss his inspiration for Fort Awesome and the criteria for membership.

“It’s like this, Billy. My friends and I work hard in school every day. As if school isn’t retarded enough, there’s also a bunch of girls there always being retarded. Me, Dillon, and Steve got to talking one day at lunch about how there should be some place where we can go, where girls like my smelly sister can’t. It was then I remembered I had a tree house, and Fort Awesome was born.”

Before Joey’s mom made him hang up for supper and homework, he outlined what it takes to be accepted into Fort Awesome.

“First and foremost, you must be a boy. Beyond that, you just have to like cool stuff like Call of Duty, the Avengers, and throwing rocks at the neighbor’s cats. If this applies to you, you just have to bring one of your dad’s Playboys to cover the one-time membership fee.”

And finally, Buck “Shuck” Shuckerchuck has announced Kinfolk Kingdom Klub, a place where some of the guys can go after work at the local mine or plant to discuss huntin’, fishin’, football, discontent with the President, and shuckin’. While there isn’t an actual bar, patrons can purchase 30-packs of Milwaukee Special Reserve, Milwaukee’s Best, Busch, Genesee, Stroh’s, or Keystone, which they can begin drinking at the establishment and finish on their drive home. Then, once home, they can get incredibly pissed that the missus ordered out again for supper, or scream at their kids for having a B or C on their report card (even though the kid’s doing way better than they ever did). Buck informed me that to be a member, you have to be a male from the lower or lower-middle economic class, and have certain European ancestry. He continued that he’d also like to see similar criteria apply to the local schools, as well as public parks, transportation, and bathrooms, with his establishment setting the example. The Kinfolk Kingdom Klub is coming soon to a rural back road near you.

Billy Slowmeat

Billy Slowmeat

Billy is the video game journalist of our generation. For Billy, there is no lead too tough to follow…no story too daunting to expose. Billy lives to do one thing: report. Hell, the son of a bitch gets off on it.
Billy Slowmeat