His name is Angus Abbott. He’s a nineteen-year-old British boy who’s scheduled to appear on the 2016 season of Britain’s Got Talent, and the skill he’s planning on performing in front of the world involves completing one of the hardest video games ever created with nothing but a PlayStation Move controller held firmly within his rectum. We sat down with Angus and spoke to him on how confident he is in achieving such a feat.

[Due to Angus’s strong London accent, a translation is provided after all of his speech.]

Billy: So let me start off by asking what your inspiration is in attempting a deed that seems damn near impossible, and in front of millions at that.

Angus: Oi! Well, I go’ a bi’ of de ol’ cou’age watchin’ Ben Gwin. He made news bea’n’ de game wif a gui’ah. Jolly ol’ wankeh even done Dark Souls wif jus’ his voice. So I says to meself, I says, “Ye can do be’eh’n da’ wankeh. An’ all’s ye go’a do is wham a con’rolleh in yeh bum an’ dance a’ound a bi’. How ha’d can i’ be?”

[TRANSLATION: If Ben Gwin can beat Bloodborne with a Rock Band guitar, does it not stand that I have a chance to show him up by defeating the very same game using a motion controller wedged in my posterior?]

Billy: You certainly are brave. If you’re successful in this endeavor, is there a lifetime goal you’re hoping to obtain from this act? Perhaps a job in the game industry, or your very own YouTube channel with millions of subscribers?

Angus: Nah. I jus’ wan’ ‘o make me ol’ muvah proud. Muvah’s been down as la’e. Me an’ Bruvah been pra’icin’ feh oveh a munf, we have. We’ve neah pe’fe’ed wha’ we se’ ou’ feh. Bruvah helps wif de con’rolleh, wif all de lubrica’in’ an’ inse’in’ and such. Once Muvah sees wha’ me an’ Bruvah done, she’ll be more chippeh’n a bakeh wif a moun’ain of floueh, she will, she will.

[TRANSLATION: Mother is sad. I want to make Mother proud. With Brother’s help, this is an obtainable goal.]

Billy: What are your biggest concerns? Do you foresee any obstacles hindering you from stealing the show once you take center stage?

Angus: Oi! Of course, lad! Once I ge’ de con’rolleh shoved up me bum-bum, an’ I’m up deh all wigglin’ and shakin’ an’ da’, I’ll be prayin’ to ol’ Jesus ‘imself da’ me li’le sphin’eh can hold ou’. Long as me dingle don’ be a dangle I fink I’ll be bringin’ home firs’ to Muvah and Bruvah. Le’s see ol’ Ben Gwin do be’eh’n da’!

[TRANSLATION: I pray to Christ my sphincter holds strong. As long as it does, I should prove victorious over all comers. Fuck you, Ben Gwin.]

Prostate Exam

Billy: You mean to tell me you’ve worked out ways of pushing specific buttons while the controller is in your anus, without using your hands?

Angus: Su’e ‘ave! Bu’ I can’ jus’ be le’in’ ye in on me secre’, can I, lad?

[TRANSLATION: Using a practiced method of gastric expulsion and muscle control, I am able to press whichever buttons needed to address any situation on the screen. This includes the pressure-sensitive trigger, which I will be using frequently to fire my ranged weapon.]

Billy: Well I think that’s all the questions I have for you. Good luck on your journey, Angus. I wish you the best.

Angus: Fanks feh ‘avin’ me! On me muvah’s and bruvah’s graves, I promise I won’ le’ ye down!

[TRANSLATION: Thank you. I guarantee victory, lest my mother and brother die of disappointment. Bye-bye now.]

Billy Slowmeat

Billy Slowmeat

Billy is the video game journalist of our generation. For Billy, there is no lead too tough to follow…no story too daunting to expose. Billy lives to do one thing: report. Hell, the son of a bitch gets off on it.
Billy Slowmeat