Uwe Boll, best known for his critically acclaimed and fan-praised video game-based film adaptations, is set to write, direct, and produce an upcoming adaptation of Mystique’s Atari 2600 title Custer’s Revenge.

Sources report that Boll KG, Boll’s production company, recently trademarked what seems to be a title for the Custer’s Revenge adaptation: In the Name of the O-Ring: A Colonel Custer Tail-Chase.

We reached out to Boll for comment, and he confirmed that such a film is in the making. We inquired about an official interview, which he would only accept if I went toe-to-toe with him in a ten-round boxing match with an audience consisting of my family, friends, and the popular girls I went to high school with cheering strictly for him. Luckily I don’t need my nose or my self-respect to conduct an interview like some amateurs. The interview is as follows:

Billy: How long have you had the idea to make a Custer’s Revenge film, and how far along is production?

Boll: The idea for a Custer’s Revenge film adaptation is what drove me into the business. Back in my sophomore year at the University of Cologne, I returned to my dorm from a campus-wide viewing of an adult scheiße film and the subsequent presentation commentating on the mistreatment of women in adult films due to a lack of excrement exposure—which they crave—and found my roommate and his friend playing the Custer’s Revenge game on the Atari 2600. I had always been interested in writing and literature, but it was amidst that tribunal of erections, BMs, arrow dodging, and awe that I knew what my life’s calling was. I had to make that film.

Custer's Revenge poster

Billy: That sounds like a life-changing experience for sure.

Boll: It was. To answer your question about the production’s progress, all I can say now is that the script is complete, and we’re looking into casting and a good place to film. Hopefully somewhere in Mexico or Arizona.

Billy: Considering that the idea for this film is what moved you into filmmaking, what circumstances helped you decide that now is the right time to make the film?

Boll: Well not to be vain, but I feel that I’m in my prime. The day of Bay and other girls like him is long gone, and it’s time for the “Raging Boll” to rule the box office. This will be my magnum opus, my tour de force. The budget will double that of Bay’s Transformers films combined, and will gross triple the amount worldwide. Mock my words.

Billy: Those are bold words.

Boll: Mock them.

Billy: Will there be any additional characters? And do you have any ideas of whom you’d like to see cast?

Boll: Funny you should ask. When I began writing the screenplay I had Fred Durst of the rock band Limp Bizkit in mind for the lead, along with the title “George Armstrong: Native Nookie,” but unfortunately he’s currently busy being a douchebag. However, a friend of mine whom I’ve worked with previously may be set for the leading role, Jason Statham.

Billy: Wow!

Boll: In addition to Statham, I hope to get Salma Hayek on board as Revenge, Custer’s love interest in the game, but nothing’s set in stone yet. I was also considering the title “Revenge: An Inside, Outside, Inside Job,” but now that Statham’s on board I decided on In the Name of the O-Ring: A Colonel Custer Tail-Chase, as it hearkens back to our previous game-based film. I’m not ready to reveal any supporting characters at this time.

Billy: You mentioned that Revenge will be Custer’s love interest in the film as she was in the game. Will you stay true to Custer’s Revenge’s plot in other ways, or will you deviate enough to add your own unique touch?

Boll: Of course I’ve altered the plot in a few ways. Ever since that scheiße viewing it has always been my modus operandi to add more feces in everything that I do.

More to come as it emerges.


Billy Slowmeat

Billy Slowmeat

Billy is the video game journalist of our generation. For Billy, there is no lead too tough to follow…no story too daunting to expose. Billy lives to do one thing: report. Hell, the son of a bitch gets off on it.
Billy Slowmeat